1405: Keep obsessively checking your phone to see if the ride has uploaded while continuing to gorge yourself and performing a strange ambulatory striptease.
1410: Dump dirty kit in the vague vicinity of the washing machine and get in the shower. Check Strava before getting in and almost drop the phone down the toilet.
1420: Still in the shower, just standing there, slowing feeling your body returning to an operational temperature after either extreme chilling or overheating…
1430: Still in the shower, I’ll get out in a minute but it’s so pleasant…. I wonder if my ride has uploaded yet?
1440: Eventually get out of the shower and put on manky jogging bottoms and old fleece because you’re going nowhere and doing nothing for the rest of the day. Bloody ride still hasn’t uploaded, has Garmin been hacked again?
1441: Transfer to the sofa, having made a brief foray to the larder for cake, biscuits, crisps or other high reward foodstuffs. Switch on Eurosport, love a bit of biathlon, fall asleep in minutes.
1600: Get woken up by other half muttering something about putting up shelves, walking dog or similar. Don’t they realise that this is all part of my recovery routine? Why stand when you can sit and why sit when you can lay down? I’m a finely tuned athlete, this recovery is as important to my performance as the ride itself. Ride still not uploaded.
1601: Go and get some more cake, biscuits, crisps and, as the afternoon is getting on, maybe a beer. Ride still not uploaded.
1602: Fall back to sleep.
1602 onwards: Eat, sleep and repeat until bedtime with a brief leaving of the sofa to eat a ridiculously large dinner - I did a big ride today, extra pudding, please. Ride finally uploads, Jim did a few extra kilometres and nicked your KOM, that’s the last time I wait for him, I’ll have that back next week on my own.